Choosing me first

The past week or so has been a bit of a roller coaster ride for me.  And I don’t mean suicidal   rather there have been a lot of ups and downs.  I know that during these times is when I have my growth spurts.  I say growth spurts because they seem to come out of no where and then there’s a change that takes place quite quickly called evolution and within no time at all it feels like it has been this new way forever. 

Since starting my own personal quest, the most difficult thing for me has been to consider putting myself first in any and all situations.  Although it may sound selfish that has nothing to do with it whatsoever.  It’s a matter of considering my own feelings first.  If I’m happy inside, then that’s what I’m going to reflect ‘outside.’  And on the same token, if I’m not happy inside then that too reflects on the outside.  Sounds rather simple doesn’t it.  Ah yes!!!  But wait a minute, lets make it fun and interesting.   Lets add something called family.  Ah yes!!!!  Now good luck with that thought of putting yourself first and being happy. 

I’m not saying that bringing joy to others and doing things for others isn’t rewarding however you should really consider if you’re doing it because it makes you feel good on the inside or if you’re doing it because there’s a rule somewhere that says, “You need to do this cause she’s your mother.” - or “You need to wear old crappy underwear cause you have children and your children come first.”  Ya – ya, you know what I’m saying?  If you’re a mother (and I bet even if your children are all grown up), that there a good chance that you have old crappy underwear in your drawer cause now it’s just a habit.  And you may still not feel worthy of investing in yourself.  Now to let you know, this is all about me.  After all I’m choosing me first. 

So over the past week I’ve been looking through my dresser drawers saying, “I really need to get some new underwear.”  For god-sakes, it’s underwear.  It’s not buying a fur coat or a new car.  However I haven’t ventured out yet.  Now should my daughter need some sort of new clothing, you can bet your “@#&”(you fill in the blank) that I become the Great Houdini and produce whatever she needs in no time.   (I’m kind of magical that way). 

O.K. so that’s kind of o.k. if it’s your child that you’re doing this for right?  Maybe, maybe not.  However when you develop this generosity and it’s extended to your entire family (extended family as well) and your friends and your neighbors and your co-workers and and and.  NO!  IT’S NOT O.K. because one day I woke up and I was wearing a different hat and then no body liked it.  It started with a ”B” and it wasn’t “Beautiful” by any means. 

Although I’m playing a bit and talking about underwear, my point is that my life is personal to me and yet I have always put others first.  And it’s not because I’m just a super kind person, I was brought up a certain way, witnessed certain things and being ‘nice’ just seemed like the ‘nice’ thing to be.

When I was approaching my 40’s, I started looking at my life differently and I wasn’t really sure if I liked what I saw so I started my journey which meant I was on a Quest to discover something more.  I had no idea what the more was but I knew that I would know when I found it.  I did all kinds of studying, took all kinds of courses, read books, listened to CD’s and all kinds of stuff ad nauseam until I found what I was searching for.  And I AM the very thing that I was looking for.  It seems almost too simple and maybe arrogant to some however this is my own truth.

The most important thing to me about being alive is honesty.  Not only with others but with myself as well.  And that was something else that was a challenge for me.  At 4:30 this morning I finished writing (what I’ll call a document for now) and I became honest with myself in a whole different way.  I had to admit that I have been wanting to put myself first in all aspects of my life (including the mother and spouse side of things) and haven’t been.  So that makes for me and my body not being in balance.  For me to have balance in my life I need to create and do what it takes to have that.  And for me that means putting myself first.

To start off with let me say that, “I AM.”  I AM an Entrepreneurial Woman, I am a Leader, mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend and I’ve been an employee, co-worker and I’ve worn many, many other hats as well.  And during the day as I switch from one hat to the other I know that at the end of the day I am still Amy.  I am the same person no matter what I’m doing and the best way to be me, is by being myself an putting myself first.  When I choose me first, then I create a space for you to choose you first as well.  I know that we all contribute to each other in this world and I know that the best way to do that is by each and everyone of us considering to be honest all of the time and putting ourselves first.  I can’t help another until I help myself first.  I can’t make difference until I make a difference in my own life first. And I can’t consider others until I start considering myself first.

So starting right now, I’m “CHOOSING ME FIRST.”

Letting Go of The Past AND…Growing Forward.

Amy