Life in Coma

There are times in my life when I realize that slipping into default and living my life in automatic (or mindlessly), is quite appealing.  How easy would it be for me in this moment to go back to pretending and living my life as a complete and total illusion of what I know life can be for me.  Unfortunately, and I do mean unfortunately – that is not an option for me.

I’ve spent my morning walking around in a state of confusion.  Even now as I write there are tears in my eyes.  Nothing more than information moving in my body and in this moment…the tears have something attached to it that others would label as pain or sadness.

As I got into my car this morning I let out a cry of what I would associate with anguish.  “Go back to pretending.  Go back to pretending.  It’s easier.  It’s so much easier.”  Again, in this moment – I wish it were an option for me.  However to let go of the person that I’ve become is something that I cannot do.  What’s funny about all of this is the fact that I didn’t think that I remembered who I am or who I have become but that isn’t true either.

I know that as I sit here writing with tears flowing, that this is indeed life and it’s living it fully.  Oh, who ever said that living your life fully was a piece of cake and always fun? 

Living life is a choice.  Living in a coma and just surface gliding is a choice as well.  Some people (and I’m one of them), also call it coma.  A different version of sleep walking.  Living life in an automated way based on habituated responses because of not being aware that something else exists.  I did surface gliding for quite a few years and now – well it simply doesn’t appeal to me anymore.  This on the other hand doesn’t feel that appealing either however I can sit in my state of confusion knowing that this is a brilliant opportunity for me to discover more about myself and the more that I can become.  Clearly, there are times in my life that I don’t always have the answers for myself.  (Well, I may have them and there’s a good chance that I’m not ready to look at them yet). 

I love my life and sometimes it really isn’t easy and other times it’s quite simple.  My life isn’t static by any means.  Ebb and flow, peaks and valleys – Call it whatever you want but I know that the genius of it, is that I’ve created it all.

So with everything going on in my life I am quite clear that living a life in coma is not an option for me at all.  There is growth in chaos and uncertainty.  I believe that I create it to keep experiencing something new and as I gain the experience in my body, I get to choose differently and I get to share it with others.

There’s always more and it truly never ends.

Live life and feel the pain or live in a coma and get on a plain.  The pain may be what you need to experience in order to stop the insanity of habituated response (repeating history).  The plain may be a temporary fix and know that the ‘pain’ awaits your arrival.

Living life is about moving through it not walking around it.  If you choose a different path which takes you further away from what is in front of you, know that your destination that you seek  is moving further away from you as well.

I sit here wondering if I’ve made any sense with what I just wrote.    I’m going to say yes and trust that I wouldn’t have taken time to write and share that I too experience confusion/chaos no different than anyone else.

Time for me to relax into myself and ponder, what is this all about.  I’m not necessarily looking for an answer and yet the space and time to ponder what this is for me is needed in this moment.

Knowing that there’s genius in the confusion and chaos,

Amy